I think I may be on to something. Ever since I have taken an interest in all things reading, writing, philosophy and self-discovery I have become a new woman.
All too often when talking about where I am and what I’ve done I bring up that I have ‘come from nothing’. It was a psychiatrist last month who pointed something out to me which I’d never really realised. He said that throughout my life I have always been working towards something expecting things to be better once I achieve it. Each time I reach whatever goal is set nothing changes. I still feel the same. I am still the same. My life is a little better in some way (a new qualification, more money or a new family member). And each time these goals are met I end up in a really depressed state.
Looking back, all to often i’ve heard people say to me “why are you down your life is great?” Looking back I can much more clearly see the link between certain achievements and depression.
It’s like I have been on this mission to prove something. To others or myself I don’t know. There is always something I, you, we will be able to improve, do better, get better.
Personally I have been seeking out admiration from others. Simple things like an email thanking me for what I do. Someone acknowledging how good I am at my job or my parenting. A compliment about how nice I am. When I think about it my life is no different with or without these things, but I have still wanted that attention, the acknowledgment. Once upon a time not that long ago I’d have come home from work down in the dumps and in search of wine had someone requested not to work with me. What’s that all about?
So far it hasn’t been good enough that I know I am good enough, that i’ve achieved so much that if I stopped now I would still be considered successful.
I think I am starting to figure out why I am as I am. I am also starting to realise though there is no fix for what I have. I just need to enjoy it because the opposite is to become a pigheaded under-performer and if i’m honest I prefer what I am.